even though i try pretty hard sometimes. if i define cool as keeping it all together with some sort of grace, some sort of que sera, sera, attitude that seems to say, oh, am i cool? didn't even notice. don't care, then my record is spotty. i'm not without my little successes.* healthy school lunch: CHECK. alone time with second born: CHECK. new friend making, classroom helpfulness, play-date arranging, discipline doling, positive bum wiping attitude: Yes, Yes, Yes, and EEEEE-YES!
but then, inevitably, i pause to reflect. i realize i'm still six months away from finishing that book, which could still turn out to be pretty bad. i re-read the impersonal rejections from poetry journals on the wall of my office. i remember some harrrribly awkward social encounter (have you ever grabbed someone's hand when they're just reaching out to tap you on the shoulder?). and then, on the school playground i'll realize too late that my daughter is crying because i was too busy talking to another parent to hear her begging for her kiss goodbye.
i am not keeping some kind of weird score with myself. i don't judge my success based on number of poems published (YES I DO). but not in my heart. it's the mood i'm really going for, a hope for peace and order, for forward momentum. when things are really going smoothly, there is a voice telling me, this won't last.
of all the things i tell myself, this one i know is true. it won't last--nothing can. certainly not my recent pattern of gym-going. and more often that not i get comfort from that.
all of this reveals something that you, friends, probably already know about me: i am pretty controlling. and this year, this year of FIRST GRADE, i am having to let go of a lot of my control. like, a LOT. i'm close to punching eye holes through the poster that covers the window to Ally's classroom so i can peek inside whenever i want to. i'm close to going flat-out crazy. but then, i am already mostly crazy anyway. for example, i have been known to walk laps around the playground to see what goes on during recess.
can you picture me when it's time for her to leave for college? can you hear her young adult self begging me to just BE COOL?
to which i will reply, i would love to, honey, but i wouldn't know where to start.
*special thanks to caffeine.
Well I've always thought you were cool. even before I knew you. You'd sit in that corner of yours working away...all mystifying and stuff. Here's what I know, if your daughter comes to you at 10 willing to talk to you about tough stuff. Wanting to talk to you about stuff her friends don't want to talk to their parents about then it doesn't really matter how controlling you were when she was young. She's very young to be in 1st grade and she's your first. It's understandable that you would be overly concerned about what she is doing. You were expecting to have another year for that. Give yourself some time. You'll relax more once you get used to it. Big Love your way!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if our moms were that way with us? If you think you are bad, by the time I have kids, there will be tracking chip devices available and you bet I'm going to have one inserted right into their little wrists. Not really, but maybe.
ReplyDeletefirst, you ARE cool. second, this post reinforces my ongoing, very scientific study that the people you think are cool don't really think they're cool. i'm thinking maybe you stole a look inside my head before you wrote this. no? oh...well then. even without kids of my own yet, i'm pretty sure i'm going to be this kind of mom. maybe there's a support group in our future.
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