halloween by day

'I know you're really Mrs. Schack!'

the evil eye

super-duper evil (and sparkly and pink and fluffy)

'it must have been cold there in my shadow...'

of late...

Ally is caught up in the romance of it all. the romance of what, you ask? of it all. she walks around the house singing, babe-ah, babe-ah, babe-ah... and thereby proving that teeny-bopperism can be an inborn as well as a learned trait.

Liv is full of affection for...wait for it...ME! consequently i earn the privilege to be sole tooth brusher, bum wiper, milk pourer and general caretaker. Bim still gets to play castle with her, but i get all the smooches (often bestowed on my knees or shoulders as i help get her dressed), all the thanks and all the tearful farewells. She kisses my legs and says she loves her mom about one billion times a day. usually right before she asks for candy.

we had tomato soup for dinner last night. Liv declared that i "make the greatest food ever," and Ally said dreamily, "Mom, it's filling up my soul! ...kind of."

in other news, Ally had her first piano recital and we joined the Diaz Trio for our fourth annual pilgrimage to Riley Family Farms to pick pumpkins and press cider. I'll dedicate another post to that. Then we hosted a party for Ally's first grade class. it was a little too busy to take good pictures, but here are a few anyway.

note the cute little police officer next to her. she's in love
and would like him to be the honorary boy at her barbie birthday party. 

first piano recital. just thought i'd throw it in here.

be cool

it's something i've never been good at...

even though i try pretty hard sometimes. if i define cool as keeping it all together with some sort of grace, some sort of que sera, sera, attitude that seems to say, oh, am i cool? didn't even notice. don't care, then my record is spotty. i'm not without my little successes.* healthy school lunch: CHECK. alone time with second born: CHECK. new friend making, classroom helpfulness, play-date arranging, discipline doling, positive bum wiping attitude: Yes, Yes, Yes, and EEEEE-YES!

but then, inevitably, i pause to reflect. i realize i'm still six months away from finishing that book, which could still turn out to be pretty bad. i re-read the impersonal rejections from poetry journals on the wall of my office. i remember some harrrribly awkward social encounter (have you ever grabbed someone's hand when they're just reaching out to tap you on the shoulder?). and then, on the school playground i'll realize too late that my daughter is crying because i was too busy talking to another parent to hear her begging for her kiss goodbye.

i am not keeping some kind of weird score with myself. i don't judge my success based on number of poems published (YES I DO). but not in my heart. it's the mood i'm really going for, a hope for peace and order, for forward momentum. when things are really going smoothly, there is a voice telling me, this won't last.

of all the things i tell myself, this one i know is true. it won't last--nothing can. certainly not my recent pattern of gym-going. and more often that not i get comfort from that.

all of this reveals something that you, friends, probably already know about me: i am pretty controlling. and this year, this year of FIRST GRADE, i am having to let go of a lot of my control. like, a LOT. i'm close to punching eye holes through the poster that covers the window to Ally's classroom so i can peek inside whenever i want to. i'm close to going flat-out crazy. but then, i am already mostly crazy anyway. for example, i have been known to walk laps around the playground to see what goes on during recess.

can you picture me when it's time for her to leave for college? can you hear her young adult self begging me to just BE COOL?

to which i will reply, i would love to, honey, but i wouldn't know where to start.

                                                                                                                                                          photo credit: liv richardson


*special thanks to caffeine.

a ONE YEAR anniversary

last year at around this time i was taking medication to help me not dissolve into my couch. i didn't know *What The H* we had gotten ourselves into and i didn't have enough adventure in me to counteract the fear. i wrote about being a sundowner and got tons of support from everyone who could see from their more objective points of view that we were all going to be OK.

i want to make a short update to tell you how i feel about our neighborhood now.

we're residents of a city that has been called the most diverse place in the country. that means we're the lucky neighbors of people of all colors. we've got temperance people (oh, that's us!) and people who brew their own artisan beers in their backyards. we've got cat people, parrot people, lots of dog people, and regular people. we've got church people whose kids go to public school, catholic school, methodist preschool (like Liv) and jewish school. we've got Reps, Dems, Greens and Libs. we've got a large number of same sex couples who welcomed us with cakes and cards when we moved in, some of whom have adopted (legally or fiscally) children in need. we've got oldies, youngsters and middle ones, married and not married, living in upstairs apartments or two-story craftsman homes. people who water their yards in the rain and the people who gripe about it. people are who they are. and my favorite part is that we know each other. we seem to like each other too. we come out of our houses when the power goes out and sip on our respective drinks and speculate on the cause. we have legendary block parties planned months in advance. when a child has a birthday party, we're all invited. living here, in this home, with this family of mine, is one of the great blessings of my life.

i know it's not for everyone, but it's for me.